The Flirting Book: Chapter 3

Hey hey. This is part of an ongoing review. See the other installments here. 

Alright so we left off at the end of Chapter 2. I thought some of the advice was solid, but I was starting to feel a bit on the fence about the book's tone. What about Chapter 3? 

Chapter 3 is titled Flirting 101 - The Basics. Ah, we're finally getting to the nitty gritty. 

It's starts off with a Shakespeare quote - cool. But then we get a quote from a 24 year old man, describing a woman he saw who had red hair and red lips and a body that says, "spend a day with me and you'll die happy." He goes on to say that everything about her screams "sex." The author says she loves this quote, because we've all noticed people like that, and we've all felt like that woman ourselves. This is another instance where I feel like the book is kind of playing with a line. There's a difference between thinking someone is sexy and thinking they are "sex." It's a subtle difference, but I think it's an important one. If the man had said he saw this woman's body and he himself thought, "I could spend a day with her and die happy," that'd be one thing. But suggesting that her body gives off that signal... problematic. 

My point: I don't like the tone of the book. 

Moving on! 

Rabin's going to tell us about the Big Three - the three fundamental things that can help us flirt confidently (and just interact with all people more confidently). The first of these Big Three are the eyes. 

There doesn't seem to be anything monumental here. The advice is to avoid aggressive gestures (staring, winking, raising eyebrows in a "woo woo" manner, etc), and to instead stay positive and inviting with the eye play. It's all good advice, but it isn't exactly new. I know this stuff already. Most people know this stuff. The one kind of interesting part is the idea of a "flirting triangle," when we look at other people's faces as upside down triangles, from the two sides of their forehead down to their chin. The metaphor goes that your eyes are like a paintbrush, the triangle is your canvas, and you want to move over the whole canvas gently rather than just focusing on the eyes. Or something. Basically, steal glances of people's chins, lips, nose, cheeks, etc. Don't just stare at them. Weird metaphor, but there it is. Again, not revolutionary. In my experience, it does improve interactions when you focus on someone, but occasionally glance at other areas of their face, not just the eyes. (That's true for interactions in general, not just flirting.)

The next of the big three is the smile. To be honest, I mostly skimmed this section because it got really annoying really quickly and started to feel like a glorified Cosmo article. It's also repetitive, which I find frustrating. Smiling is another flirting technique that I don't think requires a book to point out, but hey. Unfortunately, it's tedious and cumbersome. This part of the chapter is a lot like my physical therapy. In PT I'll be balancing on a wobbly piece of wood. I have to close my eyes and do squats on this piece of wood, while balancing (LOL YUP). While I'm doing it, I'm told, "Feel your ankles, pay attention to the small shifts in your ankles that occur when you re-balance, keep your shoulders back and low, don't lock your knees, lift your chin" and on and on and on. That's this chapter. Smile invitingly, make it happy but not too corny, don't let it be a cheshire smile, keep it charming. OKAY. So I'm not super wild about this advice. 

The third of the Big Three: Body language. After the annoying smiling advice I totally skimmed the rest of the chapter. It seems like more common sense stuff. Positive, inviting body language. 

My review for this chapter: boring, repetitive. Fine advice, but nothing I couldn't have learned from a million other sources. 

If you're reading this book, honestly just feel free to skip to the last page of the chapter, where there are handy dandy bullet points. 

And smile, dammit. 

__

Char 

The Flirting Book: Chapter 2

Hey hey. This is part of an ongoing review. See the other installments here. 

"You said you'd be doing these every week! That was in November!" 

I knoooow I know. Sickness and accidents and and and the list goes on. Don't feel bad, I've neglected my other blog too. But hopefully those days are behind us. So let's talk about this book.

Chapter 2 is titled "Making Your Own Luck," so immediately, I hate it. Let me tell you something. I have horrible luck, despite being a semi-good, at least not very bad person. Within one week, my car got broken into and then hit.. TWICE. This year, I was out of the hospital for like two weeks, looking like my health problems were getting better and then.... car accident! Woo! My life, while I am grateful for it and for the friends who've become family, sometimes feels like a long string of bad luck. At this point I kind of find it hilarious (laugh instead of cry, holla) but this is all to say... I don't like conversations about luck. I don't like the argument that we get good luck by giving out good things to the world, because I know plenty of good people with bad luck. And I'm not wildly fond of the implication that if you have bad luck, you must be a bad person. And I try to do good things because it's what I should do, not because then maybe I'll get good luck in return.

Well this is turning into a regular novella. 

Point: I didn't like the sound of this chapter's title. Moving on! 

After reading the chapter's first few paragraphs, I got the feeling that what the author was talking about was actually opportunity, not luck. We create our opportunity. We don't create luck. (Which by the way, I'll agree that we can create some opportunities for ourselves when it comes to flirting and relationships but let me just also make it clear that I don't think we create our own opportunities in all facets of life - don't get me started on capitalism and the inequality of opportunity for poor people and people of color.) So yeah - we can create flirting opportunities. And in this chapter, we're given six "savvy guidelines" to help our flirting/relationship techniques. Excellent. 

The first bit of savvy advice? Get out of the house. 

Okay, I dig it. I feel that. Hell, I've lived that whole "wow I don't go out at all - no wonder I'm single af." So I'm counting that as good advice. So far, so good, chapter 2.

The second bit of advice is also good, but I'm noticing an irritating trend. Rabin uses a lot of hypotheticals, and sometimes it feels like we're just droning on. My eyes might start to glaze over, because every hypothetical situation is meant to make the same point. It's overdone.

But the advice. It's to go to interesting places to find interesting people. That sounds right. A lot of us say, "Yeah, I go to bars all the time, and still, I never meet anyone!" That might be true, but a bar isn't necessarily a specific place that hones in on a specific interest (unless the interest is music or beer, possibly). Rabin makes a case for taking it further. Don't just go to a densely populated place to find love, go somewhere that's guaranteed to have people with shared interest. Lectures, retreats, certain events - you get it. While I don't think a significant other needs to share the same micro interests, it can't hurt, I suppose. And Rabin makes another excellent point: even if you don't meet anyone at these places, you still get the added bonus of new friends and/or a feeling of excitement. It's refreshing, unlike going to a bar and dwelling on the fact that you can't find love. (That is, if that's why you go to the bar in the first place. I'm all for bars just for fun.)

For this reason, I joked with my friends recently that maybe I need to move to St. Louis, which has been called (by only a handful of people, but heey) America's "Top Catholic Hipster City."

Worry not; I will update you on how that goes (or doesn't go).

On to Rabin's next piece of advice: save time and energy.

Essentially, the advice is to fully be yourself, and to not pretend you're interested in things you aren't.

If I really love the idea of meeting a classy guy, I shouldn't pretend my interest in, I don't know, polo is greater than my interest in football (American football, for our international readers). It'll waste both my time and polo-man's time.

Is polo a classy sport? Was that an apt example?? I don't know which sports are the classy sports but I've seen pictures of Prince William playing polo, so...

But back to the book. Again, I think it's fine to have separate interests (good even - it's fun to show people the things that make you you), it's not fine to try and be someone you aren't.

I feel like we often do this without meaning to. I remember shopping at this grocery store with my friend. It was dimly lit and only sold organic stuff and I hated it. Loathed it. It always felt pretentious. And I remember wondering why? Is this because we wanted to seem like we're fancier than we were? Did we want to find some crazily healthy men? I don't know. But I think people tend to do this more often than we realize, and I don't think it's intentional or bad. It might boil down to insecurity, I don't know. It's like a lingering hint of when we were kids, and all we wanted was to fit in with the cool kids. Only at some point we need to realize that it's not a thing, and whatever you're into is cool. Unless you're into this shit.

Okay Susan Rabin, so far so good.

#4 is to make any place work for you.

Yeah, yeah, whether it's the grocery store or school or the post office or or or, you can flirt. The advice was pretty straightforward, but one of her examples was problematic. It involved a young man who was interested in a woman, but was too afraid to introduce himself. He was a photography student, and so he hid behind a pillar one day at the subway station they both use, and took a picture of her. After that he decided he had courage to talk to her, so he told her all about it, mentioning her beautiful smile, and said, "I think you should see the photo, maybe we can have coffee before going" or something like that. In the next paragraph, Rabin says, "You may call Marty's technique manipulation, but I call it smart."

Uh.

She went on to say that studying an object (shudder) of your planned flirtation is fine, like researching a company before sending in a resume. I'd argue that taking a picture of someone and then using that to get a date is a bit different than, say, gauging what hobbies they're into for a flirting reference.

A few of her hypothetical scenarios and her real-world examples have kind of flirted with the line (see what I did there) between pursuing and irritating (or maybe even harassing?). But I turned a blind eye. This example really rubbed me the wrong way, though. So as I continued to read, it was with an attitude that was less than cheery.

Okay, our fifth fragment of flirting advice. We are to always have a flirting prop.

Sounds weird, but I actually liked this one! Sometimes an outfit, an accessory, a book - anything - makes conversation a little less intimidating. (Or, it makes starting a conversation a little less intimidating.) While reading it, I was reminded of this. I needed to go mail something, and when I handed the guy a Harry Potter postage stamp featuring Prof. McGonagall, he started a conversation. I was too slow to continue our exchange by talking about his Chewbacca shirt, but hey. That was pre-The Flirting Book.

This kind of thing happens a lot. People (including guys, so yes, this is still a blog post about the flirting book and not just Harry Potter) often initiate conversation with me if I'm wearing or holding anything related to HP or LOTR, probably because both are so beloved. When I'm holding a book I can usually count on someone starting a conversation about it. So yeah, I know what Rabin is talking about. Solid.

But some of her examples toe that line again - it's somewhere between being flirty and being weird. Carrying around a book or an object for the sole purpose of attracting the opposite sex seems odd to me (not to mention at odds with this chapter's third bit of advice about being yourself). But I let it pass and continue to read.

The last piece of advice is to be open to advances. Don't always stick in huddles and herds while out with your friends. Which, yeah fair enough. (Rabin acknowledges that it's then always possible to be cornered by a bad flirt or someone you're not interested in [hi creepy photo stalker], so she suggests developing a signal with your friends - something like tugging on your earlobe if you want them to come interrupt the flirting, or playing with your necklace if you want them to stay away for a bit and continue to let you flirt. I think this makes sense, and my friends and I have done similar, though it's often been, "In five minutes call me and tell me there's an emergency. I'll ignore you if I don't need to get out of here.")

The chapter concludes with a list of bullet points, which I honestly love. I kind of wish my copy of Pride and Prejudice came with bullet points at the end of every chapter.

So, what have I learned from this chapter? I've learned it's time I move to St. Louis (where I will walk everywhere), wear my Gryffindor jacket at all times, always carry a copy of The Hobbit and a baby name book just to show I am interested, always smile in case some rando is taking my picture, and always remember to play with my necklace (which will be a replica of Slytherin's locket).

No but in truth, I'm not hating this book. I feel like a lot of it is common sense - but forgotten common sense. I wouldn't call this book a life saver or a necessity, but it probably won't make you any worse at flirting than you were in the first place. Not that you were. I'm sure you're a terrific flirt, Dear Reader.     

See you next week for chapter 3.
xoxo
Char

The Flirting Book: Chapter 1

A few things. 1. This is part of an ongoing review. You can read the first part here. 2. If you are or ever have been a male mentor, teacher, or father figure to me, just don't read these.

This is a review of chapter 1: Rediscovering the Flirt in You

I finally managed to finish the first chapter of The Flirting Book (technically called How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace: The Smart Guide to Flirting, but that’s a mouthful so I’m going to stick to calling it The Flirting Book, forever solidifying my role of Least Official Book Reviewer Ever). 

Moving on. 

The intro got off to a bad start by suggesting that all single people are party hopping hooligans (I’m exaggerating but only slightly). It’s alright though, because it soon after mentioned eating desserts for lunch and I am all for that. 

Right off the bat, I can tell this book is corny. I mean, I knew that because it's a book about flirting. But the writing is going to be corny, too. On the very first page, for instance, we see this line: 

Even a visit to the neighborhood laundromat doesn't have to be a social wash. 

I'd laugh hysterically at such an awful pun in real life, but puns are harder to work with in books. So already, I know I'm in for quite the ride. 

Let's get into it, though. The author says this:

Learning to flirt is no more difficult than learning to dance.

Uh okay, so basically I'm fucked. Or, actually, won't be often if the above statement is true and good flirting technique is only as attainable as good dancing technique.

Even though I think it's a bad/intimidating metaphor, I understood the author's point and marched forward. "I will read this book! I will rediscover the flirt in me!" Even if this doesn't help the romantic flirt in me, the intro all but promises increased social, communication, and work skills. So this won't, in theory, be a futile attempt. 

The book starts off with a quiz, and I'm all for quizzes. This quickly erased any worry that the book, written in the 90's, would be outdated and useless. Quizzes! We love quizzes! Isn't Buzzfeed extremely popular?! This book is basically Lil Kim to Buzzfeed's Nicki Minaj. This book is relevant. This book will help me rediscover the flirt within. So yes, I took the quiz. It was quick and relatively easy. I also feel like I should mention that at least one of the questions gave me pause. Flirting is okay, but there's a line and doing something like telling a woman "her melons look fine" as she's trying to pick fruit out at the grocery store isn't cute flirting, it's inappropriate. I worried that the book would end up being horrible, but I told myself that this is a quiz meant to gauge the reader's personality, not a section with actual advice, so I'm going to give it a chance.

There were five multiple choice questions, and each had seven possible answers. At the end you count up how many of each letter (the answers were a, b, c, d, e, f, g) you chose and if you had one letter multiple times, you're a certain type of flirt. I had a B, two Gs, and two that were a toss-up between A and G. (Does that make sense??) So I flipped to the page that tells people who chose G often to find out what kind of flirt I was, though I took it with a grain of salt. I am, it seems, an Analytical Flirt. Sounds about right (although I'm nowhere near as analytical as the example she gave). I flipped back and read over the other kinds of flirts, too:

The "I Don't Flirt" Flirt
The Self-Centered Flirt
The Terminator Flirt
The Pressured Flirt
The Insincere Flirt
The Rejected Flirt
The Analytical Flirt

Rabin describes each type of flirt (though the descriptions are exaggerated big time, to the point where I almost didn't want to read them) and I'm assuming the info and advice in the following chapters will be tailored to each kind. Only time will tell!

xoxo
Char

THE FLIRTING BOOK - An Ongoing Review

We're gonna have a little fun on Filthy Casket with an ongoing review of this book that is supposed to help you flirt better. 

I'd never, ever buy this kind of book without prompting. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'd be too fake-confident to purchase it myself. But the world is funny and one day several of us were at the house of someone who was getting rid of old books. She'd hold up a book and one of us would claim it (me, an aunt, and several cousins). Well, she held up How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace: The Smart Guide to Flirting and all of the voices sans mine shouted, "Charlotte!"

These motherfuckers.

At first I got a wee bit defensive. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't know how to flirt! I know how to flirt! I just don't engage in flirtation while I'm with a bunch of people, especially if it's family! I was mighty close to rejecting the book and insisting the fifteen year old would make better use of it when... 

I remembered that time in college when I was walking into the campus center and a handsome fella happened to be walking through the doors at the same time. I unintentionally but definitely audibly said, "You are scrumptious!" Commence a lot of internal "no no no no no no no." Not one of my finest moments, which is saying something, my friends. 

So with that memory suddenly fresh in my mind I shut my mouth and threw the book on top of my pile.

I picked it up once or twice but never really read it. I have no interest in starting a relationship here, since I'm going back to New York. There's one guy here who is very charming and if I have to endure even one more "Yes, ma'am" or "You look real pretty today" in his southern accent I might actually die because I know I can't pack him in my suitcase and take him up north with me. Le sigh. Knowing all that, I still think it'll be fun to read the book and try out some of the advice (not on the aforementioned farmer because again, it might cause my literal death). I normally hold back on flirting unless I already start to like a guy, but now that we're reviewing the book I've got to think about the greater good! I've got to flirt!* Think of all the people who might benefit! 

There are seven chapters and I think I'll probably do one post each week, so this will last for about two months. I'm not trying this to get a boyfriend. I just think it'll be fun and, always more importantly, funny. Maybe it'll even change some of my communication habits right in time for my return to NY. Who knows. From what I've seen so far, this book sounds super corny. I suppose that's to be expected. 

A quick glance at the table of contents tells me I'll be rediscovering the flirt in me. And by that I just have to assume she means *discovering for the first time. 

See you in a week. 

xoxo

Char         

Chapter 1's post here
Chapter 2's post here

Chapter 3's post here